Bad behaver

So much goes on in the daily life of an unemployed woman that there is simply no time to blog. I'll try to capture all the most poignant moments of the past few weeks but I imagine I'll miss a niblet or two.

We enjoyed our Indy garage sale so much we did not one, but two more in Tampa. The first took place at our house, the next week we brought all of our leftover crap to our friends' house and got rid of almost all of it. Below is the 'before' picture of the garage.

T-giving was spent at Brian and Lori's cousin's house. I couldn't eat the turkey because it was deep fried in peanut oil but I managed to plow through plenty of sides. The real excitement happened on BLACK FRIDAY. We got up at 7 (although apparently that is considered late) and started at Sears. The whole way to the mall Brian was ruing his participation and declaring it against his basic principles. Many WONDERFUL deals later he was a convert.

The highlight of Tampa thus far came after a Lightning game. It is a bit odd to go to a hockey game in 75 degree weather but it was a fun taste of home. As we took our seats who appeared on the videoboard but MC Hammer announcing a post-game concert! While we may not have stayed all three periods normally, this was too good to be true. Hammer took the stage in a sophisticated tux and was backed up by the same dancers he had back in 1990 (we were able to deduce this by the wrinkles, old-school hairstyles and width of their behinds.) He gave us all the classics.  The funniest part was the seemingly normal 30-somethings rocking out and doing the all dances and hand motions.

Lori and I have just made our second road trip down here from Indy to bring my car back. The pros of this ride versus the first one: no cats, no fog or rain, better timing on our part. All in all it wasn't bad other than the intermittent smell of hot garbage. We are suspicious that something died under my hood but neither of us was willing to confirm the theory at 2 am in rural Georgia. For the first couple of hours that it stunk we were each silently blaming the other for gas leakage and Lori actually admitted to being concerned that she might have experienced seepage without knowing it. We enjoyed the McDonald's drive through at 10 pm and all we could think about was that we looked like homeless people living in a BMW. I packed that car to the gills with not one ounce of open space and random towels and magazines seemed to be floating in the back windows.  Finally, a very sad moment in the ride: Lori was driving and happened to look over at a particular road kill and noticed it was a puppy.  "Oh gross," she said " that was a puppy. It was a bugle." 



Snow birding

We hit the road the day before it started snowing in Indy.  Great timing! After 18 hours in the car with two cats (Lucky went out on the leash once during our stop for grits and bicuits and half the staff came out to look) we landed at our new home on Thursday. After a few hours of napping we were ready to get busy on the billion and one projects that awaited us. Brian did a very cool rehab on the floors so we needed the right paint to complete the look. By Thursday night we had 9 paint samples up all over the (previously) yellow walls. Brian indulged my desire to try so many (very) slightly different colors and Lori was pulled in to help us reach a decision.  In the end we all got to about the same favorite and the painting began the next day (24 hours in Tampa.) Three coats later we finally finished today. We had to get it done before the moving truck arrives with my stuff tomorrow.

Every day, all day we play musical chairs with the animals and endure hissing, growling, and one very bloodied dog who hasn't yet figured out that the fur balls are in possession of deadly weapons. It is incredibly tiresome. I believe Annie's lifespan has been shortened by a couple years from the stress and Gracie is going to need reconstructive plastic surgery on her snout. Today I was home alone painting and Gracie was bored so she came and dropped her toy in the roller pan then as I was getting up to clean it and put her out I heard the distinct sound of Lucky eating plastic, when I went into the (gated) cat room I found not only that he had eaten both handles off of a shopping bag, but Annie was sitting in the litter box (for the hundredth time) except I hadn't cleaned it since last night so she was litterally hiding in a shit box. I hit the wall a little.

We've had one night out and about and Brian took us to the Ike and Jonesy's of Tampa (Frannie O's for my VT friends.) He told us there would be a great mix of young and old people and there was a mix, except the young people were us. One woman who looked to be over 70 was wearing some long white cape all night yet still got down on the dance floor to Back that Ass Up.  I went to the bathroom and waited in line, old cape lady comes out of a stall and says "sorry ladies, that appetizer really stopped me up." At that point I decided we might want to move along to a place where we were the older folks not the young whippersnappers. See pics of the hotspot below.

As of tomorrow we'll officially be classified as hoarders (once the truck arrives.) Not only are we stuff hoarders we are also people and animal hoarders. If someone wants to call the A&E show on us, feel free as we could use some organizational help and junk removal.

H-bomb...Out

Hectic last week in the Rip. Lori Ann and I do not make things simple, we both get all crazy and it's like a massive tornado blowing across hoosier country.

We hosted an unsuccessful open house on Saturday. About 5 looky-loos came through but no one had any real interest in the place.  Then tonight when we are both knee-deep in wardrobe boxes (and there is still a massive bucket of alcohol on the counter) this guy calls me asking if he can see the place.  Of course! And by the way...he's parked outside my house. It was an awesome showing.

More fun/successful than the open house was our Halloween night out with friends on Saturday. It was a blast. We had cops and robbers, an elf, the tooth fairy, supergirl, one of the brokeback mountain guys (Jake Gyllenhaall I think), Mario and Luigi (Mario had massive moose knuckle issues), Tubbs, a pin-up girl (me - I had to look cute!) and an unfortunate celebrity wreck (Lindsay Lohan.) I fell down no less than 3 times, which would lead someone to assume I was wasted (I wasn't TOTALLY sober) but noticed the next morning that my heel was askew so I started with a wardrobe handicap.

You can't read the whole bumper sticker, but it says Bennett's Smut and Eggs. It is the 5-star home of porn in the morn that we patronized when in Madison, WI. And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.



Brian is just as crazy getting ready for us. I had him install a cat door out to the garage so we could keep the litter box out there. He had to buy the door for "large cats and medium sized dogs" to account for Annie's stress-related weight gain. Between a major floor refurbish and the cat door he has been flat out with projects.  Lori Ann and I are painting as soon as we get there and then tacking in all the baseboards - and this is prior to putting all the furniture back into the main living areas and with a dog and two cats running around. The cats are getting anxious with all the activity. Lucky has managed to eat a lot of plastic and even found some 5 year old catnip which is currently strewed all over my bathroom floor. I think they tolerate the anxiety better when they are high on the nip.

We pull up anchor on Wednesday. All readers wish us luck please!

Focus on 'portant stuff

We were NOT productive this weekend.  I repeat, NOT PRODUCTIVE. Got pedicures on Saturday. Ate brunch with friends both days. Did a bit of shopping for halloween. Napped like a professional.  The most excitement I had was Lucky (one of my super-smart cats) taking a digger off of the balcony, sliding a bit down the rail, crashing behind the TV and landing.  This is a 20 (or so) foot balcony so you would assume he might have some damage but as far as I can tell he is fine.

Watched a segment on 60 Minutes tonight about unemployed people. About 2 minutes into it Lori and i were both on the computer frantically searching for jobs. In the midst of what amounted to a slightly better than stagnant weekend, the best we came up with was nanny and/or pet sitting jobs. We signed up on a site that pairs caregivers with needy children and animals and had to quantify our caregiving experience.  All I had was the lifelong care of the two morons I adopted. Lori made up some child care stuff (kidding, she embellished true information.)

We have also looked into bartending school, getting certified for CPR and mowing lawns. We both agree that not working is a far nicer life than working 9-5 but having money is better than not.
UPDATE: We have decided on our halloween costumes.  Lori is going to be Lindsay Lohan out on parole (ankle bracelet and all) and I am going to be a pin-up girl (an excuse to wear my favorite green dress.)

Who am I?

So the lady at the cosmetic surgery place didn't recognize me this morning.  I've been going there for a year and she has never not recognized me before. Granted, I was usually coming from work and looked like a professional human being and today I was in my cleaning clothes, but still. I'm assuming I am soooo radiant from my lack of stress that I blinded her with my illuminated beauty. Then tonight my mom asked me if I am depressed because she's worried that I'll become a drunk (that conversation is about 20 years past due...) I must be really off my game!

On a more positive note I have gotten 4 calls about my condo (with nothing more than some signs in the window and a craigslist posting) and am showing it tomorrow.  Lori got home from a fun weekend away and I put her right to work cleaning (sorry.) I got a super-corny wreath for the front door and even purchased mums and a big decorative pumpkin to look appropriately festive.  Plus I bought a new scented oil thing for the cat litterbox area and I got apple spice and fall harvest scents to keep it seasonal.  Lori walked in and commented that it smelled nice so I guess it is doing an ok job at hiding the cat urine odor.  This way I don't have to bake cookies in order to make the house smell good before a potential buyer comes over and I can ignore the litter for a couple days at a time - I am sooo smart killing two birds with one stone!

Still no determination on the halloween costume but one more has been thrown in the mix as a good group outfit - the rescued Chilean miners.  I think headlamps and dirty faces would be all that costume would require.  We'll see.

Help wanted!

No, this isn't a job posting. I'd like some input on two things: 1. possible occupations and 2. Halloween costumes.

First, I've been so enjoying my month of unemployment that I'd like to figure out a way to make this a permanent lifestyle without being reduced to living in a box or begging for pennies. I'm thinking of a couple of ideas.  One, is the beginning (or renewal??) of a life of crime. I figure one big theft per month and I could spend the rest of the time relaxing. If someone with technological expertise would be willing to partner up with me we could get into some manner of identity theft or other online tomfoolery.  My second idea is to marry aliens looking for green cards for a hefty sum.  As long as they would be willing to pay I could live with each for the requisite 3-5 years in order to validate the marriage.  I would even consider bigamy so as not to cause issue with divorce.  Thoughts from the peanut gallery on the best course of action?

The next dilemma is what to wear for Halloween. Lori and I (and anyone else who would like to join) are thinking of some group-type costume.  I was set on being gang members, but couldn't decide whether we would be bloods or crips.  I prefer red (and can do an actual gang sign for bloods) but Lori thinks she would look better in blue.  Then I talked to little miss Callan tonight and she suggested we go as the three blind mice.  There are only two of us but I can imagine there is another friend of ours with a need for a costume who would be willing to put on ears, a tail and sunglasses.  VOTE EARLY AND OFTEN!

I'm from Vermont, i do what I want

I have been an official leaf peeper this week. VT is absolutely beautiful right now. Makes you want to live here... If nothing else this makes relaxation that much more relaxing.

People keep asking me what I am going to do next.  Other than getting myself together to go to Florida I don't know. And darn it, I'm not here to ponder my navel I'm here to clear my mind (some might suggest that clearing my mind shouldn't take a week...) At this point I have been living little miss Callan's life for a few days and I think I might want to take it over. I have been sleeping in her bed and driving her car - it's the baby bear's porridge (just right)!

Tomorrow is my last day here so I have to cram everything I haven't yet done into today. That means brunch with my brother, dinner with Big Mike and Mar Mar and packing back up. I literally wore one third of what I brought with me here - I could have gone carry-on and save $50.

So as to what I have accomplished, other than relaxing of course, I spent 3 days with my mom and helped her get our summer place ready for sale/closed on, then I moved into Cassie and Mr. Gabe's house for a day and tore it up at the Red Sq (sorry to anyone whom I accosted and/or offended),  and I have now been holed up in Williston for three days. I am not quite ready to go back to the reality of my situation.

Monday...A New Week....

H Bomb is still gone, so I wake up to Lucky pushing against my head, becuase he is hungry.... so I feed him.... I go for a 4 mile run... becuase this is something I decide I want to get back into routine with... then I jump on the internet to look at jobs... until Lucky steps on the computer keyboard to write his own message...I need to be quicker with this cat... he is totally winning.

Turn on the TV to see Hoarders..... a show... that is perfect to watch before I go to my next task.... PACKING..... the parental unit  (Pat and Tom) are coming to town tomorrow night to pack my stuff into storage... so I will be officially traveling with clothes.... roller blades... bike... and my car, no more house stuff.  I am hoping everything fits into my car.  Women have a  lot of clothes.. and I am a little worried.

I spoke to my brother last night and we are going to be tight with closet space at his house.... 1 GUY to 2 LADIES... the house will be full of stuff.... and there is talk of another moving sale when H Bomb and I get down there... no need for us to become CLOTHES HOARDERS...... and I have already been to Plato's Closet... two times....and it sucks when you get a message back from them stating...  your clothes are too mature.... which equals no cash... and that I am an old loser.... Ouch.  Can't they just say.... no thank you..... no need to go into details.

The Others...

While H Bomb is gone in Vermont, I am trying to work on my other roomie's relationships... aka.... Annie... and Lucky... H Bomb's cats.  I have been quite successful with Lucky, but Annie is still hissing at me when I see her...for example.. she was in my closet today and scared me and as much as I scared her.....this was not helpful when you are on the way to the bathroom.... it was a close one. 

Regardless, the cats are a great distraction... especially when you bring a laser into the situation.. I found myself taking a 30 minute break to play with Lucky... and Annie when she chooses.... (this is the only way she comes around me and does not hiss without Heather around).  The video shows proof of my achievements.. the only problem... I should have been filing for unemployment... but this was a little more entertaining...

Future thought......I am thinking Annie might like me better when she gets introduced to my brother's dog .... Gracie.... but maybe not....  American Bulldog.... and two cats... Hmmmm....  I have never lived with a dog and two cats...then again, I have never lived with my brother and his girlfriend either....  Hahaha...  Going to be a fun adventure...

Here is a picture of my brother's dog when she was a pup... Gracie...  She looks friendly...right?

so happy together...

Lori made the official move into my condo a week ago. It has been awhile since either of us had a roommate, but this is just the warm up for Florida when we will be in a perpetual state of too many living beings under one roof. While my lifestyle hasn't changed all that much (other than the elimination of shopping) it seems far less glamorous when there is someone else to witness the lack of glamour.  For example, I like to wear my pjs all day if possible. However, my pjs are neither cute nor flattering so they portray either slovenliness or sheer ridiculousness depending on whether we are talking about the flower pjs or the monkey pjs. And staying home and cooking every night because we don't have a choice makes me feel poor - even though it has been the norm for most of my adult life.

So, now that I am an unemployed loser what do I do for fun? Well, I took my first spinning class yesterday.  Survived, might have even liked it a little. I have what is technically referred to as "candy ass" so I am a bit saddle sore today even though I wore my padded underpants. We had dinner tonight with Lady M which was a nice respite from one another (kidding - it was a nice change from our own culinary talents.)

Headed home tomorrow. Family and friends to prop me up and make me feel wanted. Last night Brian said "don't let them convince you to move back there." I think he's a bit nervous that I'll be swayed to go north instead of south. Not yet Brian, not yet.

up to trouble/down to business

Last night went on a bit longer than it should have. I began at Mesh for dinner/drinks. Mesh is a new spot on Mass Ave in the space where Scholars Inn crashed and burned last year. I would HIGHLY recommend it for my foodie friends in Indy as well as those just looking for a spot to chill with other normal young progessionals.

I then made the mistake of heading up to Brothers to meet up with Lori and D. Rhea (fka Mr. P). There is an interesting collection of sad/desperate humanity in da rip on Wed nights (see bad pic). Us included. We couldn't pull ourselves away from the show. Upside-i got hit on by some nice young (23ish) man. Good night for the ego.

This morning I was tired of drinking my poor-girls homeade lattes so we went into the rip for real ones. Ended up at the health food store and spent an hour getting learned about how to cure all our ailments. Walked out with liver detox, magnesium, a nasal drainage thing, brain tonic, cortisol support, slimming tea, kombucha, calm drink packets and coconut water. We're broker but waayyy healthier. We are both total suckers for this crap. In the future i think we'll avoid that store on our walks in the rip.

Lori spent the afternoon getting focused on future employment. All interesting ideas are welcome.

Footage of the Assinine game from the garage sale and Lori Catching Up

Lori here..and first time writing.... I have a couple of items to write about... to catch up...

Losing Job.... Yep, It sucked...and it was a horrible process,  but then again... things happen... and well, good luck to them.  Easier to say now, then a week ago, but I can say this becuase of one thing... people... in my life... thanks for the support. 

Being Janet in Three's Company...I am not happy about being Janet in the Three's Company... and I would have liked the opportunity to discuss this before this was made final... but obviously this did not happen... However....I will take full advantage of having the right to be annoying and I am going to bank on Janet being the smartest in the house... so hopefully, this will help me get my next employment opportunity... yet... H Bomb will have me on vocabulary...any day... she is very clever with using new words that I have no idea what they mean...

Garage Sale:  If you ever lose your job and need to have a project to keep you busy, garage sale is the jackpot.  Only problem, when you have large items and you have to move them... let's see... more than 5 times... I love H bomb's couches... but they need to grow feet like her spatula she mentioned earlier and walk themselves to  all the different locations.  

And the garage sale .... "man game".... K Dawg won the game on Saturday and I would like to think the college football games were the reason for the game, but I think it just gave them the opportunity to beat up on one another. 

And then on Sunday I think Brian was missing his buddies becuase he made up his own game.... the traffic was a little slow due to church we think.... Being his lil sister, I might get beat up or lose a place to stay at his house, so I am going to hold off until I am moved in and then show the footage on here... H Bomb should be very proud of her man and his creativity...

Selling junk ain't worth the effort!

Day two of the great sale of 2010 is beginning and our offerings are lacking curb appeal at this point. All the good stuff and the ear muffs went yesterday. For a day and a half of work we split $215 four ways (although Kyle's $6 doesn't really count.) That money was spent in an hour at the bar last night.

Yesterday was glorious. The ladies lounged on the (unsold) couches in the sun while the guys spent hours devising and playing some assinine game that consisted of throwing a football on the roof and beating each other to grab it on the way down. It kept them out of trouble until the end of the day when we all wanted to leave and they NEEDED TO FINISH THEIR GAME! There is an entire notebook filled with rules and scores.  Frightening.

It will take $50 profit to make this worth missing flag football for. Fingers crossed.

PURGING - OR MOVING SALE, WHATEVER

Lori and I had the brilliant stroke of genius to scramble all week to do a garage sale this weekend. While our marketing has been super-professional our preparation has been a bit scattered.  Or maybe I should just speak for myself and say MY preparation has been scattered. Per usual, I've spent all my time thinking about the big stuff and no time on the details. However, if anyone needs a rubber spoon and spatula with arms and legs they are 25 cents a piece.

Mr. P suggested that we needed to add pictures of chicks in bikinis to our online marketing portfolio. Not us, apparently, but random chicks in bikinis (insult or good marketing acumen?) I'm not sure that's the clientele we want to attract...but I've added a sample to this post so let me know if that makes you more interested in buying our crap.

Brian gets in tonight and I can imagine his reaction to the current status of my home will be "what the hell have you been doing for the past week?" I am very familiar with this particular response to my perceived lack of productivity - my dad says this every time he helps me move. What I have really been doing is planning my attack so when I get down to it I can knock it out quickly. I have also been puttering at an astounding rate. If they gave medals for lack of attention span precipitating harebrained puttering I would totally win the gold.

LATER ON DAY 1 - Adult beverages

First stop = liqour store. I tell the guy behind the counter that my allergies are terrible so he won't think my red eyes are from crying. I'm not good with emotional displays or even the appearance of an emotional outburst - anger might be the only exception.

Lori and I arrive at my house at the same time and I pour wine while she pours over the severance package. It makes you feel special to realize you have been offered one month of salary for being "displaced", which they vehemently and repeatedly stressed is not a performance-based decision, while people fired for poor performance or other cause get six just to keep them quiet (and avoid lawsuits). This is when the real shock sets in. I have a mortgage to pay, Lori has rent and neither of us has a huge savings account.

Here's the upside - I had been working on figuring out how to get my boyfriend and I in the same state for a couple of months (he's in Florida.) This just sped up the process and, unfortunately for him, put a bit more of a potential financial burden on him.

Here's the interesting part - my boyfriend is Lori's brother. So what better idea than to start planning a Three's Company-esque lifestyle in beautiful Tampa Bay?

DAY 1 - FIRED

9/19/2010 10:00 am (Well today is really the 22nd but it took me a few days to feel like writing about getting fired).
Recieve a meeting maker from boss-lady and promptly check to see who is included. This was D-Day or the day everyone who was going to be "displaced" (their term not mine) would get the news. I was expecting it but wasn't expecting to see the three other people in the meeting.

10:30 am - Grab Lori and head downstairs to get fired. Terribly surreal to walk into a tiny meeting room with Lori and administrative asst and look across the table at HR guy, Boss lady and Interim patsy VP (IpVP). It gets even better when they put the phone on speaker and dial other asst. director who happens to be on vacation in Maine. Companies should take lessons from the morons who "displaced" us - hearing you've lost your job in a room with three other displaced losers (one of whom is on the phone) is about the least graceful and dignified way to receive the information.  An email or literal pink slip would have sufficed.

After hearing a script read (not one thank you for your time or your value to this organization is appreciated) the three of us smile and walk out thanking them for canning us.  How else can you react in that ridiculous situation?

Lori and I pack up and leave to go wallow/vent on my couch.